When Intimacy and Growing Apart Challenge a Long-Term Marriage
A person writing for advice is struggling with the state of his marriage after more than a decade with his partner. In a letter addressed to Dear Abby, he describes a relationship that has been marked by ongoing challenges around physical intimacy, family acceptance, and diverging life goals.
A Decade of Working Through Religious Trauma and Intimacy Issues
The writer explains that he and his husband have been together for 12 years and married for seven. Throughout the relationship, his husband has struggled with religious trauma that has significantly affected his desire and ability for physical intimacy. Despite visiting counselors, having open conversations, and discussing the importance they both place on physical closeness, the situation has not improved.
“I love him, but I’m still dissatisfied because my needs aren’t being met,” the writer shares. He adds that combined with limited acceptance from his husband’s family and many people in their geographic area, he has tended to minimize many issues in the marriage as “no big deal” — until now.
Career Growth Reveals Deeper Misalignment
Two years ago, the writer began studying with the goal of becoming more independent and pursuing a career aligned with his interests. Now that he has graduated and is building his professional life, he has come to a sobering realization: he and his husband’s values and goals are even less aligned than before.
Adding another layer of complexity, the writer has met another man who appears more aligned with what he is looking for in life and has expressed romantic interest. While he is clear that he does not want to end his marriage solely because of this new connection, the feelings it has stirred have illuminated just how far apart he and his husband have drifted — and for how long.
The Difficult Decision: Stay or Move On
The writer finds himself torn between two difficult paths. On one hand, staying in a marriage that, despite its problems, has provided him with some measure of happiness and stability over the years. On the other hand, parting ways after more than a decade together to pursue what he believes may be best for his own well-being and future.
“Is it just the seven years of marriage, or are these problems enough to break up?” he asks. “I’m struggling and could use some insight.” The letter is signed from Junction, Idaho.
Dear Abby’s Advice: Have the Honest Conversation First
In her response, Dear Abby advises the writer that it is time for a thorough and honest conversation with his husband about all the issues raised in the letter. She highlights the key topics that need to be addressed: the sexual incompatibility, the family problems, the lack of acceptance in their geographic region regarding homosexuality, and the fact that he has met someone new.
Abby acknowledges that there are significant challenges working against the couple. However, she cautions against ending the marriage without first clearly communicating that he has not been happy for a long time and explaining why. Her guidance emphasizes the importance of transparency and giving both partners the opportunity to understand the full picture before making any irreversible decisions.
The core message is that while the problems are real and substantial, the marriage deserves an honest and open discussion before either partner walks away. Ending a long-term relationship without that conversation risks leaving unresolved questions and regrets for both individuals.
